South Park

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina

Season 9

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I'm going down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces, everywhere

Humble folks without temptation

Going down to South Park

Gonna leave my woe's behind

Ample parking day or night

People spouting "Howdy neighbor"

Headed on up to South Park

Gonna see if I can't unwind

(mumbling)

Come on down to South Park

And meet some friends of mine

Hello, Mr. Garrison. I'm doctor Biber.

I'll be performing your surgery today.

God bless you, doctor.

I know you'll make me well again.

Now, you're absolutely sure you want to have a vaginoplasty?

My whole life I've been a woman trapped in a man's body.

A sex change operation is my last chance at happiness.

All right, then let's begin.

Just relax, Mr. Garrison.

I think if more people could just see a sex change operation,

they would know how perfectly natural it is.

The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls.

Oh, erhh...

Ohh.

With the scrotum open I can now discard of your testicles.

So long, balls!

Now I'll just continue the incision

up the shaft of the penis.

Oh, that stings.

Now I'll just... turn your penis inside out.

Woo, oh, Jeez.

All we need to do now is stuff the unskinned penis

inside your pelvis.

And now I'll use the skin from your penis

to make the vaginal lips.

Do I look like a woman?

Pretty much!

Dude, don't be nervous.

How can I not be nervous?

Trying out for the all-state team has been my dream for years.

You're the best player at our school, Dude.

You'll make the team for sure.

This is ridiculous, Jews can't play basketball.

I bet out your fat ass, Cartman!

All students trying out for the all- state team to center court!

Good luck!

Hi boys.

Now, you're all here because you're the best of the best.

I know you've all worked really hard to make it this far.

Now let's get out there and show me what you got!

Uh, excuse me.

Broflovski, is it?

Yeah?

Can we talk to you a minute?

You, uh...

You're the best player in your school, are ya?

Yup! I love basketball.

I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets someday!

Yeah, uh, look, kid,

you've got great skills and a great attitude.

But you're just not physically built for the game.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just that...

Jews can't play basketball.

All right, kids, we gotta work on that shooting, come on!

Dude, you were awesome, Kyle.

Look, you gave it your best shot, right?

That's all you could do.

Nya-nya nya-nya nyaaaa-nya

you- hoo hoo-hoo lo-ost

Ha-ha ha-ha haaaaa-ha

Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time.

I know... I deserve it.

Yeah, you know why?

Because Jews can't play basketball!

You're right.

Jesus, that's no fun.

Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe it!

Believe what?

It's Mr. Garrison!

Only it isn't Mr. Garrison!

He's a woman now!

Hello, everybody!

Can you believe it, ladies?

I'm one of you now!

Wow, just look at all these tampons!

Regular, heavy flow-

Oh boy, I can't wait 'til I get my first period!

(humming)

Hi, gals!

Oh boy, can you believe the sales they're having out there?

Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time!

Give us a hug! Girls club!

All right, here it goes.

Oh wow, this is great!

Look at that, I'm peeing sitting down

like a dainty dignified little woman!

(squishy fart, plop)

Say, any you ladies wanna go see a sad movie together?

(blasting wet fart)

You gals try those new wings tampons?

Do those work well?

(farting)

Kyle, you have to cheer up, Dude.

So you aren't built right for basketball.

But I feel like a basketball player.

It's all I want to do!

Hello, boys!

It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison!

You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.

I had a sex change operation.

My penis is now a vagina

and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life!

See ya in class!

Mom, Dad, What's a sex change operation?

What?!

Uh, nothing, I'll explain it to you

when you're a little older.

But our teacher Mr. Garrison,

he just had his penis made into a vagina.

How come?

Penis!

Your teacher had a sex change?!

Oh my God!

Vagina!

That does it, I am taking you boys out of that school!

Gerald, that is very close-minded of you.

You shouldn't judge people who wanna change.

He's a teacher!

How are we supposed to explain this to our children?

It's very simple

You see, Kyle, sometimes a person's outside

doesn't reflect who they are on the inside.

Yeah! That's right!

They fell like they're somebody trapped

in another person's body.

And so, they can have a surgery that makes them

more into the person they see themselves as.

Do you understand?

Totally!

I totally understand!

There, you see Gerald?

He totally understands.

So I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery.

Yeah, my school teacher wanted to be a woman

and you made him into one.

Oh, yes, Mr. Garrison.

Yes, he had a vaginoplasty, mm-hmm.

Well, do you also do other surgeries like that?

Sure.

You see, sometimes a woman wants to be a man.

That procedure is called a peenieplasty.

No, no, I want to be tall and black.

You what?

I hate being small and Jewish,

I feel like a tall black man.

Ohhh, you want a negroplasty!

Yeah!

A negroplasty?!

It's a fairly common procedure, really,

just the reverse of a caucasioplasty

just like Michael Jackson had.

let's take a look here.

What we do is slice your face and peel it back

so we can insert new pigment-producing cells inside.

We break the arm bones in several places

and put in bracers to make them longer.

Now, the knees, we need to snap off

and fill with small, pound objects that can

cause better movement.

and we finish it off with a nice peenieplasty

to enhance the genitalia.

Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly $3,000.

Uh, excuse me, is this really a good idea?

Well, it's a good idea if you want to be tall and black.

Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it.

Hello, Mr. Slave!

Boy, have I been busy.

A woman's work is never done.

I got some tampons.

I should be getting my period really soon.

Hope I don't get too emotional

and drive you crazy with my P.M.S.

Mr. Slave, I got something for us too.

Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?

No thanks.

N-No thanks?

Come on, Mr. Slave, I wanna try out my new snootch.

I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery

without even asking me what I thought.

Well, I assumed you supported me.

It's still me, I just have a vagina instead of a penis.

But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!

Don't you even care that I was suffering?!

I wasn't happy the way I was!

It's great that you feel better,

but you never stopped to think about how the people

around you would feel !

Look, we can still be together.

All you have to do is stop being gay.

How can you say that?!

You're gay too!

I'm not gay, I'm a woman!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, so is that it?!

You're just gonna walk out?

You men are all alike!

Go ahead and find somebody

who doesn't have a vagina, you fag!

Mom! Dad! I have awesome news!

The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex change

said he can make me tall and black!

What?!

Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty

so I can finally look the way I've always wanted!

He even took my picture and then did computer imaging

to show what I would look like after the surgery!

Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?

This is what your "transgender progressive thinking" gets you

now your son wants to be transracial.

Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad?

Huh, can I?

Absolutely not, Kyle!

But why not?

You said sometimes people need surgery

to make them feel better about themselves.

Yes, but Kyle-

Well, all my life I've felt that I was black.

I listen to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball.

My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

The answer is no, Kyle!

You're not going to have negroplasty!

But Jews can't play basketball!

Kyle, you better stop being antisemetic right now, mister!

I'm never speaking to either one of you ever again!

Ohh, that does it!

Where are you going?

That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off!

Who the hell do you think you are?!

Dr. Biber.

What kind of nut job would agree to

surgically alter my son into a tall African American?!

Ahhh, You're Kyle's father.

That's right.

And I also happen to be a lawyer!

And I'm going to have you sued for malpractice

and your clinic shut down!

What is that on your shirt?

What, the-they're dolphins, why?

Ahh, you like dolphins, hmm?

I love dolphins.

Ever since I was a child I've dreamt of-

B-But that hardly has any bearing on what I'm here-

I can make you one.

What?

Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of head.

Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply.

Make me a... dolphin?

If I could swim with the dolphins

The soft and gentle dolphins

Why can't I swim with the dolphins...

No.

No. No, it's crazy.

There's nothing crazy about a person

wanting to look on the outside

the way they feel on the inside.

It's girls gone wild!

Woooo! Woooo!

These girls will do anything!

Woooo! Woooo!

Oh Jeez, should I do it? Should I do it?

Oh, what the hell!

Woooo! Woooo!

(crowd, disgusted) Awwwwwww!

Look, I'll giggle and make 'em bounces up and down!

(giggling)

Oh boy, men will do just about anything

to get a look at our tits won't they?

Men are all the same.

My boyfriend walked out on me.

Turns out he was a fag.

But I've been livin' it up ever since

having sex with all kinds of different guys!

Girl power!

You know, the strange thing is,

I haven't gotten my period yet.

Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?

Well, normally if a woman misses her period

it means she's pregnant.

Pregnant?

Oh my God...

Of course.

I haven't gotten to experience a period

because one of those truckers I slept with

got me knocked up.

I'm pregnant, everybody.

Oh boy, now I can have an abortion!

(dolphin squeak, clicking)

Gerald! What happened to you?

That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila!

I'm the happiest I've ever been!

Look, Ike, your Daddy's a dolphin!

A dolphin?!

Sheila, it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle.

If he isn't happy with who he is

then who are we to deny him surgery

that will make him feel better about himself?

(squeaks, clicks)

Gerald, this is crazy.

I used to think I was crazy---

but Dr. Biber told me that there are a lot of

other people out there who are transpecies.

All I did is change my appearance to look

the way I felt here.

And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same,

he may never be happy--- ever.

We owe him more than that, Sheila,

we owe him understanding!

Fellas!

Hey, Fellas, you gotta come see!

What?

It's Kyle! He's a Negro!

Wow, I can't believe it.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, but it was totally worth it.

Jesus Christ, Dude!

Look, Stan, I'm finally whole!

My Dad is even gonna take me back down

to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!

Come on, Kyle, we should get going!

All right, Dad!

Dude, is Kyle's Dad a dolphin?

He's a Jewish dolphin...

A Jewphin.

You here for an abortion too?

Yeah, I discovered a few days ago

I wasn't bleeding out my kooz,

so I guess I'm knocked up.

Is this doctor any good?

Mrs... Garrison?

Oh, that's me.

Hello, doctor, it looks like I need an abortion.

An abortion?

Yeah, I've got one growing inside me.

Now, are you gonna scramble its brains!

Or just vacuum it out?

If you want, you can just scramble it

and I'll queef it out myself.

Mr... Garrison--- Mrs. Garrison.

Mrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.

Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body!

A woman has a right to choose!

No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion

because you can't get pregnant.

But I missed my period.

You can't have periods either.

You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison.

But you don't have ovaries or a womb.

You don't produce eggs.

You mean... I'll never know what it feels like

to have a baby growing inside me

and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?

That's right.

But I paid $5, 000 to be a woman.

This would mean I'm not really a woman.

I'm just a, I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis.

Basically, yes.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a Jackass.

Hey asshole!

Excuse me, I'm performing an operation here!

You told me you were gonna make me into a woman!

I gave you a sex change.

Yeah?!

Well, what kind of woman can't have abortions

and bleed out her snatch once a month?!

You made me into a freak is what you did

and I want you to change me back!

Am I a man yet?

Mr. Garrison I can't reattach your organs.

Why the hell not?

Because I've already used your testicles

to fashion new knees for a little boy

who wanted to be tall and black.

You what?

And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin

for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.

Oh, you...

You're coming with me to find my balls and scrotum

right now, Mr. man!

Welcome to the All-State Basketball Playoffs

between the fourth grade players from Colorado

and the best the fourth grade players from Wyoming.

Coach, Coach I'm all better,

I'm ready to play!

Who are you?

It's me, Kyle Broflovski.

I had a negroplasty.

Can I play on the All-State Team now?

Well, you're tall and black enough.

All right, Broflovski, suit up!

All right!

Dad, I can play!

All right, Kyle!

Excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins?

Boys, have you seen Kyle?

He's not at home!

Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison.

He's going to play basketball?

Oh my God!

What?

Well, I only made him look like he could play basketball.

If he actually does it

the testicles in his knees will explode.

What? But you made him into a basketball player!

No, I just made him look more like one.

We have to stop him from playing.

Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!

Oh, Jesus!

Come on boys, we've gotta get to my balls

before Kyle hurts himself!

... and the home of the brave

(cheers, applause)

Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens.

I'm a hundred percent ready, coach!

Excuse me, where is the bathroom for dolphins?

We don't... have one.

Well, where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom?!

I need a large tank with saltwater!

Uh...too bad?

Dammit, you people have to make special arrangements

for transspecies people like me!

I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer!

You're a lawphin?

Tickets, please!

We don't have tickets!

Sorry, ma'am, no tickets no entry.

Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees

and he's in serious danger!

What?

My scrotum!

That dolphin has my scrotum, now let us in!

You can't go in, ma'am!

We have unauthorized entry on level one!

All right, Broflovski, you're going in next possession.

All right!

Ow... hmm.

Gerald, where's Kyle?

What, why?

My balls are in his knees.

If he jumps with them they'll explode!

Oh my God!

There they are, next to that dolphin!

Come on, we gotta get to those balls!

(gunfire)

Stop them! They didn't pay the $2 entry fee!

Now substituting for Colorado.

Number four, Kyle Broflovski.

Oh Jesus, he's about to play!

(gunfire)

Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!

Which one is he?

Arrrhhh!

(crowd) Ohhh!

Hey, what the hell?

Stop the game!

Ahhh!

Ohhh!

I got it! I got the ball!

Kyle, no!

Broflovski goes for the dunk!

No!

My Baaaaaaalllllllssssssssss!

Aagh!

(screams)

So let me get this straight.

That woman over there was trying to get to her balls

which were in the knees of a black child

whose father is a dolphin.

Yeah, that's basically it.

Sounds like an open and shut case.

All right, let's head 'em out!

I'm sorry, Kyle.

I should I have told you the surgery was cosmetic only.

So... does this mean I'm not really a dolphin?

Let's get you two up to the clinic

and I'll change you back for a nominal fee.

But what about Mr. Garrison?

He can't go back.

You know what... I'm okay.

Even though I'm not truly a woman

I think I still like the new me.

I'd rather be a woman can't have periods than a fag.

Hey guys!

This girl is staying a woman!

Who wants to pound my vag?!

Girl power!